My epiphany
I'm back in my office grading late at night. This is likely the last time I will be doing this (G-d willing), at least here. I had a tremendous epiphany this past week: we're moving in less than a month.
Okay, it's not an Earth-shaking revelation, but it shook me pretty good. There's just so much to do, and I'm not ready; not in terms of packing, not in terms of tying up all of my loose threads, not in terms of mental preparedness. I'm not mentally in Chicago, yet. I can't seem to visualize myself in this big, cold city. I can't picture myself parenting three children in the urban North. I can't imagine life as the wife of a law school student. I know it's going to be difficult. I know I'll barely see my husband. Cognitively, I get it. Emotionally, it's not sinking in.
Life here continues unabated. My kids are in summer camp, swimming, playing sports, and having a great time. My eldest has been really snarky lately; very defiant, very angry. I'm not sure what's going on there. The baby is growing at light speeds. She's walking, her vocabulary's beginning to stretch, and her sweet, funny personality is beginning to sparkle. I'm falling deeply in love with her emerging toddlerhood. Her big sister is growing into a stunning beauty. At four I am catching glimpses of a dark-haired, dark-eyed, fair-skinned heartbreaker. She's my little Morenita.
The move is getting more tangible. My husband's at home now packing up our art, the china, and our linens. We're planning a big garage sale in three weeks (come on out for great furniture, appliances, books, toys, and clothing!), we're selling our car (interested in a '97 gold 4-door Saturn in great shape?), we're renting the moving van. We're getting ready to say goodbye to some of the most wonderful friends a person could hope to have. I'm bracing myself for crying a river of tears.
At the same time, excitement is building up around the edges. I felt really old yesterday. My husband and I were emptying out the guestroom dresser where we store useless stuff. We pulled out hundreds of used gift bags, birthday decorations, and old fencing equipment. The bottom drawer held all of my old fencing medals. I went through them, picking out the ones I wanted to keep. I held a handful of national championship memories in my hands and realized something. It wasn't an awareness that I used to be something special - a national championship athlete. Believe it or not, this boring, nervous, fearful Mom used to be a wild, tough, competitive tiger. I used to travel around the country dragging a big bag of fencing sabres behind me. I swaggered. I kicked ass. I actually intimidated people once!
No, the realization was that I was no longer that strong, muscular, confident, sexy young woman.
I'm older, staid, dull, and often dim-witted. But I am seeing that fire, energy, and vibrancy in my children, and it thrills me! They're smarter, more grounded, and confident than I ever was. Maybe this move is exactly what I need to channel that electricity buried deep within. maybe it's time to channel my inner sabre chic!
In Hebrew there's a saying: meshane makom meshane mazal (change your place, change your luck). I'm hoping to change my mindset. I'm hoping to change my energy. While my husband is sequestered away in the law library, I hope to sharpen my wits, and find the edge I had buried in the bottom drawer of the guestroom dresser.
Okay, it's not an Earth-shaking revelation, but it shook me pretty good. There's just so much to do, and I'm not ready; not in terms of packing, not in terms of tying up all of my loose threads, not in terms of mental preparedness. I'm not mentally in Chicago, yet. I can't seem to visualize myself in this big, cold city. I can't picture myself parenting three children in the urban North. I can't imagine life as the wife of a law school student. I know it's going to be difficult. I know I'll barely see my husband. Cognitively, I get it. Emotionally, it's not sinking in.
Life here continues unabated. My kids are in summer camp, swimming, playing sports, and having a great time. My eldest has been really snarky lately; very defiant, very angry. I'm not sure what's going on there. The baby is growing at light speeds. She's walking, her vocabulary's beginning to stretch, and her sweet, funny personality is beginning to sparkle. I'm falling deeply in love with her emerging toddlerhood. Her big sister is growing into a stunning beauty. At four I am catching glimpses of a dark-haired, dark-eyed, fair-skinned heartbreaker. She's my little Morenita.The move is getting more tangible. My husband's at home now packing up our art, the china, and our linens. We're planning a big garage sale in three weeks (come on out for great furniture, appliances, books, toys, and clothing!), we're selling our car (interested in a '97 gold 4-door Saturn in great shape?), we're renting the moving van. We're getting ready to say goodbye to some of the most wonderful friends a person could hope to have. I'm bracing myself for crying a river of tears.
At the same time, excitement is building up around the edges. I felt really old yesterday. My husband and I were emptying out the guestroom dresser where we store useless stuff. We pulled out hundreds of used gift bags, birthday decorations, and old fencing equipment. The bottom drawer held all of my old fencing medals. I went through them, picking out the ones I wanted to keep. I held a handful of national championship memories in my hands and realized something. It wasn't an awareness that I used to be something special - a national championship athlete. Believe it or not, this boring, nervous, fearful Mom used to be a wild, tough, competitive tiger. I used to travel around the country dragging a big bag of fencing sabres behind me. I swaggered. I kicked ass. I actually intimidated people once!
No, the realization was that I was no longer that strong, muscular, confident, sexy young woman.
I'm older, staid, dull, and often dim-witted. But I am seeing that fire, energy, and vibrancy in my children, and it thrills me! They're smarter, more grounded, and confident than I ever was. Maybe this move is exactly what I need to channel that electricity buried deep within. maybe it's time to channel my inner sabre chic!
In Hebrew there's a saying: meshane makom meshane mazal (change your place, change your luck). I'm hoping to change my mindset. I'm hoping to change my energy. While my husband is sequestered away in the law library, I hope to sharpen my wits, and find the edge I had buried in the bottom drawer of the guestroom dresser.
posted by law school widow at 9:13 PM
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